weekend service changes

overheard over a very LOUD and (surprisingly) functional subway intercom:

"ladies and gentlemen, due to weekend construction there are changes in service on the 1, 2, and 3 subway lines. 2 and 3 trains are running on the local track from 96th to chambers street, but are not affected elsewhere. 1 trains are only running on the local track to 14th street. there are no express trains between 96th and chambers street. but 1 trains will be making a stop at 34th street and then skipping 28th, 23rd, and 18th streets. so if you need one of those stops, please exit this train at 42nd street and get on a local running 2 or 3 train. no trains are stopping at south ferry (note that you normally have to be in one of the first five cars of the ten car train to get south ferry service anyways). to get to south ferry, get off this train at 42nd street and transfer to the R train to whitehall street. then walk to south ferry, it isn't far. or you can get off of this train at 34th street, transfer to a 2 or 3 local running train and take it to chambers street and exit the station for a shuttle bus, the shuttle bus is free. also, at 42nd street please keep in mind that there are no 7 trains running between 42nd street and Queens. so if you need queens service also transfer from this train to an R or N train at 42nd street. the MTA appreciates your business and apologizes for any inconvenience.

MTA, please note:
1) NYC is a tourist town, wtf are tourists (let alone those who don't speak english) supposed to do with this jumbled up mess of information?
2) this is why we hate you.

did you know?: a "straphanger" is a person who rides public transport (a colloquialism from the days of the leather straps one used to hold onto for support on the subway)

currently reading: expert psychological testimony in sexual harassment cases
currently listening: "dirty whirl" by tv on the radio